First I need to go back. Actually I need to go back a long way to when I was just 6-7 years old. Long before sexuality!
During the time I attended infants school the punishment of smacking the pupils was still common place. We had to wear shorts at my school at we were always smacked on the top of the legs. I was truly fascinated by this. During and onwards from this period comic books such as 'Beano' or 'Beezer' and many others often depicted images of children being spanked. I used to cut these images out and keep them.
Eventually, as we all do I arrived at senior school where the use of the cane was in full swing: if you'll excuse the pun. I was fortunate enough to win an inner London scholarship award which allowed me to go to a good grammar school outside of the capital. Despite the long journey I was extremely grateful to have been afforded that opportunity and subsequently I was reasonably well behaved. I was also fortunate enough to discover that I excelled at the schools main sport which meant I didn't suffer from 'the kid from the slums' mentality from either pupils and staff.
During my time at that school my own sexual desires were developing and those bloody horrible male adolescent years were upon me. Just normal sex took up all my mind space and kink took a huge backwards step. Until one day!
The use of the cane at my school became restricted by the late 70's and the only staff other than the Head that were permitted to administer 'the stick' as we called it were the heads of the upper and lower school. In 1978 an attractive 40 something lady took over as head of the upper school and very soon her liberal use of the cane became feared and much talked about.
I was caught carving graffiti into the desk in the RE room. My overt atheism and hate of all religions was well in play at just 15 years old. I was ordered to report the Head of the Upper school. She informed me I was to be caned but she told me I had to come back at the end of the school day. In her words "to give me something to think about". Think about! She wasn't kidding. I was so excited. I couldn't believe how I felt. The other boys were trying to wind me up with tales of how bad it was but all it actually achieved was the heightening of my excitement.
By the time I arrived in her office I'd reached a level of excitement that I had quite literally never experience before. It wasn't long before I was bent over the back of the chair. I remember the pain being phenomenal but then it happened. On either the third or forth stroke my adolescent sex drive could take it no longer. I orgasmed and that was it. I was hooked forever. I've had thousands of cane strokes since that day but that remains the only time I've orgasmed whilst receiving corporal punishment.
To this day I've never used the services of a conventional sex worker but I was only 18 when I visited my first dominatrix. I found the advert in the back of a magazine. It simply stated 'Corrective services'. We didn't call it CP much back then, we simply referred to it as correction. I was really lucky, my first encounter was with a nice lady in Bayswater who called herself Madame Paula. I was dead honest with her and she took me under her wing. The fun had begun and as I found out on that fateful day so had the pain.
A long time has passed by now and I've evolved as a submissive beyond recognition from those heady days of the very early 80's and so has my relationship with Corporal punishment. CP simply hurts but I've developed I high threshold to it and a complex relationship with it.
I'll try hard now to explain that relationship, however I feel I'm not intelligent enough to project my mind onto paper sufficiently but here goes. All hard CP hurts. Regardless of the reason CP is being administered. In my opinion I see no point in it not being given hard. It'll be like alcohol free beer; pointless. It should hurt. If Mistress Eliza is administering CP to me for her own amusement or to drive me into deeper submission then I find it honouring to take the pain. I enjoy the feeling of having endured for my Mistress. The harder it is the greater pride I feel. However if it's for real punishment then the story is different.
Before we get to punishment CP we all know there is a halfway house. The Americans tend to call it 'maintainable spanking' we sometimes call it 'warning punishment'. The best way I can describe my relationship with both is to relate to you recent events with my Mistress Eliza.
I have more than a handful of rules and objectives I must keep to or fulfil for my Mistress. It's not all one way, as a sub I want to feel obedient and these rules play an absolute vital part in my psyche as a loyal sub (more on that in next weeks post). You probably think these commitments are all kink related. You couldn't be further from the truth. In fact only one is. The rest are all lifestyle related to make me the best I can be. Something I'm truly grateful to Eliza for.
A while ago I was due to go away and I was really concerned about my ability to stick to one of my commitments. No Mistress is a mind reader and so I told Ma'am of my concerns. I'm not stupid. I knew this might incur a warning spanking. I truly believed it may do some good too. It was me who asked Mistress for this commitment so it was in my interests for it to work. I received a hard but not to severe caning with a harsh warning regarding failure. At this point you may be thinking 'yeah just a way to get your kicks'. Well that's not so; why? Because if I wanted a caning for either mine and Ma'am's pleasure I'd simply ask and I assure you Eliza would break the land speed record to the cane pot. I've no need to hint.
The emotions of this waning though very much had their own place. I didn't feel the honour I feel in taking the pain for Mistress' pleasure or to drive me into deeper submission. Nor did I feel shame or sadness of punishment. It was what it was. A warning.
I don't want to mention the actual nature of any of my non kink commitments. They are personal. I'll tell you now that the kink one is a chastity/masturbation schedule. In the event my warning caning failed. Or more to the point I failed. It wasn't the kind of commitment I failed out of blatant disobedience though. It was more akin to taking my eye off the ball, a loss of focus but regardless I failed.
Honesty is the cornerstone of any D/s and on my return I admitted my error. I actually didn't need to as it was obvious. Mistress was good to me and said we would get the punishment out of the way at the start of our time together so we could still have some fun. Normally I arrive at Eliza's with elation. The best part of any session is just seeing her smile. Today I had no elation and I wasn't greeted with a smile. My Mistress who's warmth can normally be felt two counties away was ice cold. I undressed in silence and my collar went on without notice. I love my collar going on. I'm deeply symbolistic and adore that sense of ownership but today the pleasure wasn't there. As I stood by her wooden bench she just coldly said 'bend over'. I didn't know her. I felt all the compassion she has for me go. I was alone. Detached from the pride I have in being her loyal sub. She didn't tell me how many sets I was getting. She just said "first twelve". It didn't matter how many I was getting. I was already deeply into punishment before the first stroke arrived. I was hating it. The strokes arrived in silence. No counting by either parties. I didn't even count silently in my head. I just let each stroke arrive. Then I heard "second set of twelve with a different cane" followed by a third set. My backside hurt, my mindset hurt and my heart hurt. I had let us both down. I think because there was no direct disobedience as such the number of strokes I received was lower that I might get for direct disobedience. I avoided the tears too At the end I asked if my punishment was over. The reply "yes" came with a hug. That's the closest I came to tears. For the record the punishment worked too. I'll always suffer blips in this area but as long as refocus quickly and not just give up like I did I'm ok.
I mentioned earlier that if I wanted a good caning all I would have to do is ask. It's true too, however with Mistress I dictate nothing in a session now. I let her do what she wants and she helps me expand my horizons. Even after all of these years I'm now doing new things. As a wandering sub you have to let each Domme know what you like. I did of course at first with Eliza. Those elements tend to still make up the session too. However my last session, bar a good hand spanking included no CP. It was still wonderful.
Like anyone would I've read this back over a dozen times correcting grammar and flow (to the best of my abilities). I wanted to avoid this blog being a detailed session review and I know describing my punishment was exactly that. I hope you'll see it was done in context though. There will be many aspects of my D/s with Mistress I'll never reveal. I'm making my journey very public. I must be allowed some things just for me.
I hope you enjoyed this. Next weeks blog will be 'submissiveness and me'.
